You can’t please everyone – even at a bar

“Can you put the debate on?” asked someone clearly clueless as to how bars function.

Want to see a fight? Mix booze and politics. Every bartender knows that. But customers are not bartenders.

“Put the game on!” yelled someone on a different night from a table over that direction.

Once we had an international soccer match on the TV. It had gone to a shootout, a situation where each team takes penalty kicks until the other team misses. To put it into context, it’s akin to watching a free-throw shooting contest or a home run derby — not exactly exhilarating. While this was going on, person after person entered the bar wearing jerseys from a particular home team. It was an important game, but not life-changing, because no sporting contest is really ever life-changing. But nonetheless, it was important.

“We are missing the whole first inning,” someone said.

Another person agreed — and then another.

“I have to change the channel,” I told the one table watching that soccer game.

“But we were here first.”

As if that ever really matters. When operating a bar, it’s what’s best for everyone, not just what’s best for you. But there are some people out there who believe it’s not only first come, first served, but it’s first come, first everything. I once heard two men argue about talking to a woman sitting at the end of the bar.

“I saw her first” said one of them, which might be the dumbest argument that I’ve ever heard.

Funny thing about groups of people, they tend to gravitate towards a type of tribalism. Maybe it’s the notion of democracy where the many can outvote the few. But, I think that oftentimes the one thing that two out of every three people can agree upon is that the third person doesn’t deserve consideration at all.

“Yeah, put on the game!” now yelled half the room.

September being what it is means that baseball is still going, football has started and basketball is just about to start.

“It’s supposed to be sports, so put some sports on!” shouted a disembodied voice.

“Sports! Sports! Sports!” went the rest of the group-thinking room.

So in the interest of business and democracy, we opted to put on the game — the other game. Problem solved.

“Not that one!” now shouted less than half the room — a room that just a moment ago was practically in full agreement.

Author Jane Hamilton once wrote: “In the larger world, tribalism is an enormous problem, as it ever has been: both strength and idiocy borne from belonging.” And belonging is so important to some people. The internet has shown us that being interconnected is a wonderful thing. The sum of human knowledge is available right there at your fingertips — unfortunately so is the sum of human stupidity.

Meanwhile, in our laboratory of human interaction, the united front for sports had now broken down into two separate groups, which is not unusual. Those in favor of one sport were now arguing with those in favor of another sport. And it got ugly right away. Strange how a group so united one minute ago was now resorting to demeaning comments.

“Baseball is stupid and slow,” argued one group.

“Football is for mouth breathers,” said the other.

Neither of which were arguments based in fact, but instead were opinions based on personal belief. Pretty soon it became apparent that more people wanted the baseball game on rather than football.

So, we switched on the local baseball game. Solving problems is what we bartenders do.

“No, not that team!” now shouted someone else.

The united front for baseball now devolved into name-calling and finger-pointing.

“Those guys are terrible.”

“That’s not the local team.”

“We are (insert team name) fans here.”

None of which was true. But it was volatile. And that is how tribalism works. Initially people want to belong, but it’s when that belonging becomes exclusionary that things go sideways. Banding together over inclusion is different than banding together based on exclusion, meaning that bonding together over shared admiration is altogether different than bonding together over whom, or what, we hate.

Leaving me with these thoughts:

• Two totally different tribes often look exactly alike to an outside observer.

• Want to get kicked out of a bar? Start insulting people.

• Want to get kicked out of a tribe? Ask it to include everyone.

• “We have met the enemy and he is us,” Walt Kelly’s “Pogo.”

• According to Merriam-Webster, “fan” is short for “fanatic,” and is characterized by “excessive and uncritical devotion” — just an FYI.